In the famous words of Dr. Phil, "today is going to be a changing day." As I sit here at work, in my big tall chair with my pants squeezing my stomach until I can't breath, I have come to realize a very important thing....
I AM FAT.
Okay, so most of you reading this, (if there is anyone, LOL) will say, "stop that, you are not fat." I hear that all the time, from my wonderful friends and my lovely family... but I am here to tell you that my pants SCREAM otherwise! As do the scales. I step on, and after a few turns around the zero they yell, "Please step off, we can't handle all this stress!!"
I look in the mirror daily and see someone that I do not like! Although, everyone has different perceptions of the same thing, and some may not see me as I do, I can't help but be disgusted by what I see.
I remember being in school, and all I could think was about how fat I was and how I just wanted to be as skinny as the "popular" girls. HAHA! I still have pictures of myself when I was in high school, pictures of me four months pregnant and arms looking like rails. I look back on those and think how silly I was back then. How I wish now that I could look like that again, and how I wish that it was easy to lose it now. Its not.
On Tuesday I had an epiphany. I got out the transaction register that goes along with my checkbook, and I started adding... the numbers astounded me!
That is the total I came up with for how much I've spent on fast food and sit down restaurants in..... wait for it...... here it comes....
4 months. From March 8th of this year, the good ole Twenty-eleven til July 26th, which was two days ago. DISGUSTING!
I was really appalled with myself. I sit and wallow in my fatness, I mean, there is enough of it to drown in, so why not wallow in it, then I find the real culprit of my problem. Can I just tell you how upset I was to find out that the culprit was ME!!
So I have decided that TODAY will be a changing day in my life. Today, I stop eating fast food, NO MATTER WHAT. I have excuses a'plenty for eating out. "I'm tired, I don't want to cook. I have nothing thawed out to cook. I don't know what I want." I also have children who have grown to think that if McDonalds, Wendy's or Taco Bell doesn't cook it, its not dinner.
This is what dinner time in my house sounds like. "What's for dinner Mom?" I say, "spaghetti", and I hear, "yuck"! "Well, how about hamburgers and hot dogs?" "Ew, gross, why do we have to eat that?" "Well, I can make porkchops." "Oh, gross, I'm not eating at all."
I then proceed to say, through much frustration, "well, find yourself something for dinner. Make whatever you want." And then the dreaded..."there is nothing in this house to eat, I don't know why we can't go out for dinner!"
GRR!!
So, as of today, I am going to break hearts. If they don't want what I make for dinner.... eat a sandwich. If we are out somewhere around lunch time, too bad. Wait til we get home. I am done being fat, and done being broke! Now, I know that fast food tastes SO good and I know that when I go to Applebee's I can't leave without that Maple Blondie, I mean after all just look at it....
But I will be stronger than the food. I will resist the urge to pull out that little plastic card, and pay for something that will add 20 extra pounds. I will, I can, I have to!
"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the Earth" Psalm 46;10
~2011 has been a hard year. Through those hardships though, I have found my faith. I've known all along that God is with me, I've known all along that he loves me, but our relationship has been "on the rocks".
Raised in church, and forced to go, I became and have been a child of rebellion. I've lived a life of thinking that being saved was good enough, that I could stay home from church and still be just as saved. Truth? Yes, but fulfilling? No! I've sat home so many Sundays doing nothing, being lazy or cleaning my house because I can worship in my own way. I don't need church to pray, and thank the Lord for what he does for me. The trouble with that line of thinking is that I never did any of those things.
Never took a minute to stop and say thank you Lord. Never took at minute to ASK for something that I needed, or for blessings for others. I never picked up my bible to study, or try to understand the language of the Lord. I used those lazy Sundays, the ones that I could use for "praise in my own time" for just that, MY own time. I never did what I rationalized with myself that I could do.
As I said before, I was raised in church. Revivals, Bible school, church trips, and visiting. I've always loved my church family and known that I had support there but it was so much easier to just do my own thing. I guess you don't realize how much you need the Lord when you are young and thinking about the things you WANT to do verses the things you NEED to do. I really wish I had learned this lesson earlier in life.
This year, although in past years I never thought life could be worse, probably has actually been the worst. The only exceptions are 1) I had my one year wedding anniversary this year, which some days I never thought would happen, and 2) I have really found my strength in the Lord. The situations and occurrences of this year have brought me so much closer to the Lord, and I have really found that I truly can not walk without him holding my hand, and in some instances I wouldn't make it if he weren't there to carry me through.
"The mountain's too high and the valley's too wide. Down on my knees, I learned to stand. And I can't even walk without You holding my hand."
From January to this very minute, my experiences have made me wonder what I was thinking. I've always been the type that says things such as, "everything happens for a reason" and "God won't put on you more than you can handle". Its so easy to say things and to have the best intentions, but its so hard to have faith in what you say. It's so easy to say I'll pray for you when things get hard for someone you love, but its much harder to actually make the time to do so. Intentions are wonderful when followed by action, but most intentions sit in the corner of our minds and don't get any further than the back of our eyes.
"God is good all the time", and that is a testament that I have a whole lot of trouble remembering. I look around daily and see all the bad in the world. The drugs, and prostitution, the murders and suicides, the child abuse and neglect, the famine, homelessness and unemployment..... the helplessness. It saddens me to a state of such depression that its hard to want to keep watching. For many years I have refused to watch the news or read much of the newspaper. The news comes on the radio and I change the channel because the depression quickly takes over. Thank goodness, all that seems to be changing.
I have had, as have the people in my life, many trials, tribulations and tragedies in the almost eight months since this year began. Lots of hurt and death, lots of scary times, but for all of those I am thankful. "God is good all the time." He is perfection, he is love, and his plans are ultimate. My latest obstacle in 2011, has been one of the most trying and ongoing. Its one that is trying my faith beyond what I'm used to, its pushing me and there are times that I want to give up, but I won't. I will never give up, because if I do I feel like I will be giving up on Calvin.
Calvin is a young man who's family I was part of for many years, his brother is Adriana's dad and I've known him since he was about 3 or 4. This past week he had a skateboarding accident and he hit his head. I don't have many details, except to know that he is in a coma. He has cords, lines, and tubes everywhere and while trying to be positive and not letting him know it was taking my breath away I went in to see him and talk to him. I have prayed, probably more in the past few days than in many years, and I have to say that I am so sorry for making it a tragedy that brings me closer to the Lord, but it has been. A year of tragedies ending with a 'Heavenly' relationship with HIM is worth it all. All the struggles.... well, he knows what he is doing. I'm far from perfect, and I fall short of his glory everyday. I am not worthy of one blessing from him, but fortunately for me he thinks I am.
