Well, Ron and I got married just six short months ago, and although we are so much better than we ever were, I am not. I can't seem to find myself. I have so many demons that I can't seem to shake. I can't find a peace or a balance in my life. Marital or other! I know that the Lord is always there and I know that all I have to do is ask, and he will provide but I am not worthy ever of his mercy. I know that I can't expect him to give unless I ask, and for me I guess I am too stubborn to ask. I want to be able to heal without him, but I know in my heart that I can't even take a breath without him.
I have had so much good in my life, so many blessings that I take for granted everyday! I wake up in the morning, and breath. I can turn the lights on to shower because HE gives me electricity and water. I can put clothes on my back to get in my car to drive to my job to make money for my beautiful daughter, my amazingly smart beautiful little girl! I am blessed beyond compare, blessed beyond anything that I am worthy of, yet I can't find solace within myself. There is no peace, no calm, no stillness... there is no rest. I have blessings like some can only dream of.... love beyond compare, intelligence, and health (for the most part)! What more could a person ask for? What is it I am searching so hard to find?
Many decisions in life are made on a whim, a spark of spontaneity.... some we grow to be fond of, some we grow to hate. Regret is a heavy burden to carry, it makes you tired and drags you so far down. I try to say "I have no regrets, if I made a decision in the moment, its what I wanted and I have nothing to regret!" Right!!! If I don't believe that in my heart, why in the world would someone else believe me?? There have been many things in my life that I have done on a whim because it felt right at the time, or someone else thought I should do it. But then you come to find out that they don't have your best interest in mind, they only care about themselves. Some people, "friends" as they like to call themselves, push and push until you say yes, but do they have to carry that 50 pound sack called REGRET? No, because to them what they are wanting you to do really is a good idea.
I don't try to blame others for my misfortune, I don't try to say that others have been the reason for my mistakes. I am who I am, I do what I do and I am the only one to blame. But, when I say I have no regrets, that's a cover. Its me trying to lessen the blow of my failure. Its me trying to make big deals seem so small. I envy the person who can TRULY say they have no regrets. I know many things in my life that if I had a flux capicitor I would definitely go back and change. I don't want to be fake, and saying that I have no regrets makes me just that.... FAKE!! Because in my heart and mind, there are so many things that I wish I could take back... so many things that I wish I could redo!
For so many years I have carried around a load of anger, hate, and resentment. All of that has taken its toll on me. My brain works overtime every day and it tugs on the strings of my soul. It affects my life in such negative ways. From the time I was very young, I have had so many bad experiences. Those experiences have paved the way for me to become a very cynical, pessimistic, and hateful person. I have lived so long in that role, that I'm not sure I even know how to change. My life has never been what I wanted it to be, never what I expected. Everytime my expectations got crushed, hopes dashed or dreams died it took a small part of me. That along with a family history of depression has made me unable to put my issues in front of me and file them away as I should. I want to know how to deal with all the issues that I have, I want to let go of the anger, and FORGIVE all the ones who have done me so wrong.
I had an epiphany of sorts yesterday, thanks in part to Oprah. I was watching an episode about Tyler Perry and how he had been molested and abused as a boy. It was a very enlightening episode for me. For so long I have carted around this ANGER, and a whole lot of guilt that doesn't belong to me. There has been so much bad that I didn't know how to enjoy the good. Happiness, true happiness, has been a thing of legend for me. I have let the monsters have control of me for so long. The monsters who claimed to love me, just so they could take advantage of me, the ones who loved me so they could step all over me, so they could beat me down, and take every sense of being a human being that I had. Each monster took something a little different from me but all together they took more than I had to give. I gave up a lot as little girl Michelle, and even more as I grew into my teenage years. And although I did get part of my childhood, up until I was sixteen, it was never my own. I was always giving to someone, for something. I spent many years with my heart on my sleeve, only to be heart broken and torn. Love was given in bundles by those who called me family, I knew what love was and I knew it was mine. So I expected every "love" to be that very same way. When it turned out to be different, I was confused. I thought that as long as I loved someone, they were going to love me back..... I mean, that's how it had always been. But quickly I learned that this couldn't be further from the truth. I had been abandoned, only to be loved unconditionally then one day that unconditional love was shattered. From then on, my view of unconditional love was so distorted. It became very blurry and I became very lost. For a young girl, that's a very scary reality.
From a very early age, as early as I can remember, I started being disappointed by people who I loved, people who supposedly loved me. There was a time in my childhood that I started building walls, but for a long time my walls weren't high enough. About the age of 13, I "fell in love" for the first time. People around me doubted that this was love, according to most it was "puppy love" and it would pass. I knew they were wrong and years later (about 10) I proved it to them. Even though I loved him with all of me, I was never enough. I liked to talk myself into thinking that he loved me just as much as I did him, but he was scared of feelings that I could never be scared of. Later in life I learned that was far from the truth. Although he definitely wasn't the first "man" to hurt me, he was the worst hurt I had felt up until this point. I can say for sure though, that he wasn't the last one to hurt me. During all these years, that wall that I had started building in my early childhood had only gotten taller and stronger. I had seen so much, and felt so much over the years that every hurt formed another layer.... every disappointment gave another inch of thickness. The "family" love that I had always had didn't teach me how to have "relationship" love and how to tell the difference between a good relationship and a toxic one. So, I got older and the relationships got worse and my heart was becoming dark. I started becoming angry and I withdrew from the people who really loved me and stayed around the ones who I only thought loved me.....
