It's amazing how everything seems to fall into place just when you think there is no hope. I'm not saying that everything is perfect, it never will be but in the grand scheme of things, it's looking up. In May I got the shock of my life and something opened up my eyes. I have always been so guarded and hidden, never really letting my heart decide. I always jumped into things head first because I thought I had to be with someone, I never could be alone. When my ex left in 2004, I realized I HAD to do it alone. I had to depend on me and if I couldn't then who could I depend on. After that horrible relationship, (not all of it was his fault) I put up walls, I wasn't going to be heartbroken again. I wouldn't be treated badly, and I wouldn't be pushed around.... I would NOT settle for less than I deserved.... but I did. I let myself fall into this pattern of making bad decisions because I thought I needed someone, I needed to feel loved and wanted but really I wasn't being loved at all. I was being used, and I was settling for it. One day all that changed.
In January 2007 while at work, in walked this person and I was immediately intrigued. I think we often type-cast people and think that those are the only people that we can see ourselves with. Sometimes we pick the blonde-haired, blue-eyed boys.... sometimes it's the jock, or the nerd.... sometimes it's the head cheerleader, or the smart brainy girl. Who knows why we set these options for ourselves but we do, and outside of those people we don't dare even look. I guess I had always been one of those people, but not that day in January. He walked in and immediately my eyes were smitten, and he wasn't anything like anything I had ever been interested in before and that got me to thinking, "if I can be interested in this person of a stature that I have never been interested in before, there must be something to it." I had to know more, and once I got to know more I couldn't let go.
I'm not an easy person to deal with, and thankfully I know it.... unfortunately it took me a very long time to figure out how to change it. It took me almost losing everything. I wanted to show everyone that I could do it alone, that if he walked out on me it didn't matter because I had me and that was enough.... well, guess what, it wasn't enough. When he walked out the door and told me I would never see him again and that he no longer loved me he took along with him my heart and that wall that I had labored over for so long. In that moment I became a different person, a person that he had never seen before. I cried for days and sometimes I still do. The thought that I could've lost everything that day still haunts me. I wouldn't take it lying down because he was the only one for me, the only one I could see myself with and eventually I broke him down....(he tried to be stubborn, but this was once that I was more stubborn!!) I also broke through a barrier that his family had created to keep me out of their hearts, that relationship still needs work but we will get there. Although we are together and we get stronger day by day, our relationship isn't what it once was.... relationships can only take so many blows before it starts to change. I sit here tonight, alone and two months ago I would've still been devastated, and a month ago would've been better but I would still have been crying and wondering.... but sitting her tonight I am okay. I know he loves me, and I know chapters are opening in our lives, doors are opening for us and as rough as the road has been, when we are at the end of it, all of our work will have been worth while! I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else, he truly is my soul mate and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him and our girls. I am truly blessed.
