A New day has come

In the famous words of Dr. Phil, "today is going to be a changing day."
As I sit here at work, in my big tall chair with my pants squeezing my stomach until I can't breath, I have come to realize a very important thing....

I AM FAT.

Okay, so most of you reading this, (if there is anyone, LOL) will say, "stop that, you are not fat." I hear that all the time, from my wonderful friends and my lovely family... but I am here to tell you that my pants SCREAM otherwise! As do the scales. I step on, and after a few turns around the zero they yell, "Please step off, we can't handle all this stress!!"

I look in the mirror daily and see someone that I do not like! Although, everyone has different perceptions of the same thing, and some may not see me as I do, I can't help but be disgusted by what I see.

I remember being in school, and all I could think was about how fat I was and how I just wanted to be as skinny as the "popular" girls. HAHA! I still have pictures of myself when I was in high school, pictures of me four months pregnant and arms looking like rails. I look back on those and think how silly I was back then. How I wish now that I could look like that again, and how I wish that it was easy to lose it now. Its not.

On Tuesday I had an epiphany. I got out the transaction register that goes along with my checkbook, and I started adding... the numbers astounded me!

That is the total I came up with for how much I've spent on fast food and sit down restaurants in..... wait for it...... here it comes....

4 months. From March 8th of this year, the good ole Twenty-eleven til July 26th, which was two days ago. DISGUSTING!

I was really appalled with myself. I sit and wallow in my fatness, I mean, there is enough of it to drown in, so why not wallow in it, then I find the real culprit of my problem. Can I just tell you how upset I was to find out that the culprit was ME!!

So I have decided that TODAY will be a changing day in my life. Today, I stop eating fast food, NO MATTER WHAT. I have excuses a'plenty for eating out. "I'm tired, I don't want to cook. I have nothing thawed out to cook. I don't know what I want." I also have children who have grown to think that if McDonalds, Wendy's or Taco Bell doesn't cook it, its not dinner.

This is what dinner time in my house sounds like. "What's for dinner Mom?" I say, "spaghetti", and I hear, "yuck"! "Well, how about hamburgers and hot dogs?" "Ew, gross, why do we have to eat that?" "Well, I can make porkchops." "Oh, gross, I'm not eating at all."

I then proceed to say, through much frustration, "well, find yourself something for dinner. Make whatever you want." And then the dreaded..."there is nothing in this house to eat, I don't know why we can't go out for dinner!" 

GRR!!

So, as of today, I am going to break hearts. If they don't want what I make for dinner.... eat a sandwich. If we are out somewhere around lunch time, too bad. Wait til we get home. I am done being fat, and done being broke! Now, I know that fast food tastes SO good and I know that when I go to Applebee's I can't leave without that Maple Blondie, I mean after all just look at it....

But I will be stronger than the food. I will resist the urge to pull out that little plastic card, and pay for something that will add 20 extra pounds. I will, I can, I have to!

Oh Lord, Please help!

Just a closer walk with thee

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the Earth" Psalm 46;10

~2011 has been a hard year. Through those hardships though, I have found my faith. I've known all along that God is with me, I've known all along that he loves me, but our relationship has been "on the rocks".

Raised in church, and forced to go, I became and have been a child of rebellion. I've lived a life of thinking that being saved was good enough, that I could stay home from church and still be just as saved. Truth? Yes, but fulfilling? No! I've sat home so many Sundays doing nothing, being lazy or cleaning my house because I can worship in my own way. I don't need church to pray, and thank the Lord for what he does for me. The trouble with that line of thinking is that I never did any of those things.

Never took a minute to stop and say thank you Lord. Never took at minute to ASK for something that I needed, or for blessings for others. I never picked up my bible to study, or try to understand the language of the Lord. I used those lazy Sundays, the ones that I could use for "praise in my own time" for just that, MY own time. I never did what I rationalized with myself that I could do.

As I said before, I was raised in church. Revivals, Bible school, church trips, and visiting. I've always loved my church family and known that I had support there but it was so much easier to just do my own thing. I guess you don't realize how much you need the Lord when you are young and thinking about the things you WANT to do verses the things you NEED to do. I really wish I had learned this lesson earlier in life.

This year, although in past years I never thought life could be worse, probably has actually been the worst. The only exceptions are 1) I had my one year wedding anniversary this year, which some days I never thought would happen, and 2) I have really found my strength in the Lord. The situations and occurrences of this year have brought me so much closer to the Lord, and I have really found that I truly can not walk without him holding my hand, and in some instances I wouldn't make it if he weren't there to carry me through.

"The mountain's too high and the valley's too wide.
Down on my knees, I learned to stand.
And I can't even walk without You holding my hand."

From January to this very minute, my experiences have made me wonder what I was thinking. I've always been the type that says things such as, "everything happens for a reason" and "God won't put on you more than you can handle". Its so easy to say things and to have the best intentions, but its so hard to have faith in what you say. It's so easy to say I'll pray for you when things get hard for someone you love, but its much harder to actually make the time to do so. Intentions are wonderful when followed by action, but most intentions sit in the corner of our minds and don't get any further than the back of our eyes.

"God is good all the time", and that is a testament that I have a whole lot of trouble remembering. I look around daily and see all the bad in the world. The drugs, and prostitution, the murders and suicides, the child abuse and neglect, the famine, homelessness and unemployment..... the helplessness. It saddens me to a state of such depression that its hard to want to keep watching. For many years I have refused to watch the news or read much of the newspaper. The news comes on the radio and I change the channel because the depression quickly takes over. Thank goodness, all that seems to be changing.

I have had, as have the people in my life, many trials, tribulations and tragedies in the almost eight months since this year began. Lots of hurt and death, lots of scary times, but for all of those I am thankful. "God is good all the time." He is perfection, he is love, and his plans are ultimate. My latest obstacle in 2011, has been one of the most trying and ongoing. Its one that is trying my faith beyond what I'm used to, its pushing me and there are times that I want to give up, but I won't. I will never give up, because if I do I feel like I will be giving up on Calvin.

Calvin is a young man who's family I was part of for many years, his brother is Adriana's dad and I've known him since he was about 3 or 4. This past week he had a skateboarding accident and he hit his head. I don't have many details, except to know that he is in a coma. He has cords, lines, and tubes everywhere and while trying to be positive and not letting him know it was taking my breath away I went in to see him and talk to him. I have prayed, probably more in the past few days than in many years, and I have to say that I am so sorry for making it a tragedy that brings me closer to the Lord, but it has been. A year of tragedies ending with a 'Heavenly' relationship with HIM is worth it all. All the struggles.... well, he knows what he is doing. I'm far from perfect, and I fall short of his glory everyday. I am not worthy of one blessing from him, but fortunately for me he thinks I am.

above all else.

Me

    Well, Ron and I got married just six short months ago, and although we are so much better than we ever were, I am not. I can't seem to find myself. I have so many demons that I can't seem to shake. I can't find a peace or a balance in my life. Marital or other! I know that the Lord is always there and I know that all I have to do is ask, and he will provide but I am not worthy ever of his mercy. I know that I can't expect him to give unless I ask, and for me I guess I am too stubborn to ask. I want to be able to heal without him, but I know in my heart that I can't even take a breath without him.
     I have had so much good in my life, so many blessings that I take for granted everyday! I wake up in the morning, and breath. I can turn the lights on to shower because HE gives me electricity and water. I can put clothes on my back to get in my car to drive to my job to make money for my beautiful daughter, my amazingly smart beautiful little girl! I am blessed beyond compare, blessed beyond anything that I am worthy of, yet I can't find solace within myself. There is no peace, no calm, no stillness... there is no rest. I have blessings like some can only dream of.... love beyond compare, intelligence, and health (for the most part)! What more could a person ask for? What is it I am searching so hard to find?
      Many decisions in life are made on a whim, a spark of spontaneity.... some we grow to be fond of, some we grow to hate. Regret is a heavy burden to carry, it makes you tired and drags you so far down. I try to say "I have no regrets, if I made a decision in the moment, its what I wanted and I have nothing to regret!" Right!!! If I don't believe that in my heart, why in the world would someone else believe me?? There have been many things in my life that I have done on a whim because it felt right at the time, or someone else thought I should do it. But then you come to find out that they don't have your best interest in mind, they only care about themselves. Some people, "friends" as they like to call themselves, push and push until you say yes, but do they have to carry that 50 pound sack called REGRET? No, because to them what they are wanting you to do really is a good idea.
      I don't try to blame others for my misfortune, I don't try to say that others have been the reason for my mistakes. I am who I am, I do what I do and I am the only one to blame. But, when I say I have no regrets, that's a cover. Its me trying to lessen the blow of my failure. Its me trying to make big deals seem so small. I envy the person who can TRULY say they have no regrets. I know many things in my life that if I had a flux capicitor I would definitely go back and change. I don't want to be fake, and saying that I have no regrets makes me just that.... FAKE!! Because in my heart and mind, there are so many things that I wish I could take back... so many things that I wish I could redo!
     For so many years I have carried around a load of anger, hate, and resentment. All of that has taken its toll on me. My brain works overtime every day and it tugs on the strings of my soul. It affects my life in such negative ways. From the time I was very young, I have had so many bad experiences. Those experiences have paved the way for me to become a very cynical, pessimistic, and hateful person. I have lived so long in that role, that I'm not sure I even know how to change. My life has never been what I wanted it to be, never what I expected. Everytime my expectations got crushed, hopes dashed or dreams died it took a small part of me. That along with a family history of depression has made me unable to put my issues in front of me and file them away as I should. I want to know how to deal with all the issues that I have, I want to let go of the anger, and FORGIVE all the ones who have done me so wrong.
     I had an epiphany of sorts yesterday, thanks in part to Oprah. I was watching an episode about Tyler Perry and how he had been molested and abused as a boy. It was a very enlightening episode for me. For so long I have carted around this ANGER, and a whole lot of guilt that doesn't belong to me. There has been so much bad that I didn't know how to enjoy the good. Happiness, true happiness, has been a thing of legend for me. I have let the monsters have control of me for so long. The monsters who claimed to love me, just so they could take advantage of me, the ones who loved me so they could step all over me, so they could beat me down, and take every sense of being a human being that I had. Each monster took something a little different from me but all together they took more than I had to give. I gave up a lot as little girl Michelle, and even more as I grew into my teenage years. And although I did get part of my childhood, up until I was sixteen, it was never my own. I was always giving to someone, for something. I spent many years with my heart on my sleeve, only to be heart broken and torn. Love was given in bundles by those who called me family, I knew what love was and I knew it was mine. So I expected every "love" to be that very same way. When it turned out to be different, I was confused. I thought that as long as I loved someone, they were going to love me back..... I mean, that's how it had always been. But quickly I learned that this couldn't be further from the truth. I had been abandoned, only to be loved unconditionally then one day that unconditional love was shattered. From then on, my view of unconditional love was so distorted. It became very blurry and I became very lost. For a young girl, that's a very scary reality.
     From a very early age, as early as I can remember, I started being disappointed by people who I loved, people who supposedly loved me. There was a time in my childhood that I started building walls, but for a long time my walls weren't high enough. About the age of 13, I "fell in love" for the first time. People around me doubted that this was love, according to most it was "puppy love" and it would pass. I knew they were wrong and years later (about 10) I proved it to them. Even though I loved him with all of me, I was never enough. I liked to talk myself into thinking that he loved me just as much as I did him, but he was scared of feelings that I could never be scared of. Later in life I learned that was far from the truth. Although he definitely wasn't the first "man" to hurt me, he was the worst hurt I had felt up until this point. I can say for sure though, that he wasn't the last one to hurt me. During all these years, that wall that I had started building in my early childhood had only gotten taller and stronger. I had seen so much, and felt so much over the years that every hurt formed another layer.... every disappointment gave another inch of thickness. The "family" love that I had always had didn't teach me how to have "relationship" love and how to tell the difference between a good relationship and a toxic one. So, I got older and the relationships got worse and my heart was becoming dark. I started becoming angry and I withdrew from the people who really loved me and stayed around the ones who I only thought loved me.....
  
  

Blessed

It's amazing how everything seems to fall into place just when you think there is no hope. I'm not saying that everything is perfect, it never will be but in the grand scheme of things, it's looking up. In May I got the shock of my life and something opened up my eyes. I have always been so guarded and hidden, never really letting my heart decide. I always jumped into things head first because I thought I had to be with someone, I never could be alone. When my ex left in 2004, I realized I HAD to do it alone. I had to depend on me and if I couldn't then who could I depend on. After that horrible relationship, (not all of it was his fault) I put up walls, I wasn't going to be heartbroken again. I wouldn't be treated badly, and I wouldn't be pushed around.... I would NOT settle for less than I deserved.... but I did. I let myself fall into this pattern of making bad decisions because I thought I needed someone, I needed to feel loved and wanted but really I wasn't being loved at all. I was being used, and I was settling for it. One day all that changed.
In January 2007 while at work, in walked this person and I was immediately intrigued. I think we often type-cast people and think that those are the only people that we can see ourselves with. Sometimes we pick the blonde-haired, blue-eyed boys.... sometimes it's the jock, or the nerd.... sometimes it's the head cheerleader, or the smart brainy girl. Who knows why we set these options for ourselves but we do, and outside of those people we don't dare even look. I guess I had always been one of those people, but not that day in January. He walked in and immediately my eyes were smitten, and he wasn't anything like anything I had ever been interested in before and that got me to thinking, "if I can be interested in this person of a stature that I have never been interested in before, there must be something to it." I had to know more, and once I got to know more I couldn't let go.
I'm not an easy person to deal with, and thankfully I know it.... unfortunately it took me a very long time to figure out how to change it. It took me almost losing everything. I wanted to show everyone that I could do it alone, that if he walked out on me it didn't matter because I had me and that was enough.... well, guess what, it wasn't enough. When he walked out the door and told me I would never see him again and that he no longer loved me he took along with him my heart and that wall that I had labored over for so long. In that moment I became a different person, a person that he had never seen before. I cried for days and sometimes I still do. The thought that I could've lost everything that day still haunts me. I wouldn't take it lying down because he was the only one for me, the only one I could see myself with and eventually I broke him down....(he tried to be stubborn, but this was once that I was more stubborn!!) I also broke through a barrier that his family had created to keep me out of their hearts, that relationship still needs work but we will get there. Although we are together and we get stronger day by day, our relationship isn't what it once was.... relationships can only take so many blows before it starts to change. I sit here tonight, alone and two months ago I would've still been devastated, and a month ago would've been better but I would still have been crying and wondering.... but sitting her tonight I am okay. I know he loves me, and I know chapters are opening in our lives, doors are opening for us and as rough as the road has been, when we are at the end of it, all of our work will have been worth while! I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else, he truly is my soul mate and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him and our girls. I am truly blessed.

Tomorrow

Well, tomorrow could be a changing day! We met with Ron's cousin this weekend and looked at a house in Powell. It was very nice.... a foreclosure that has a good price and not too much work to do. He put in the offer and tomorrow, hopefully we will know if we get it or not! We won't actually close til the end of August, beginning of September and we are very excited but nervous also. Lots of big changes have been coming our way and now this one. I know we are doing a good thing, and these last couple of months have really shown me that I love him so much and that he is the one for me. I hope tomorrow is OUR day!

My First Blog

Lots of big changes are coming my way, that led me to want to start a blog! For those who know me, you know that I have been in a relationship for the past 2 and a half years. It happened fast and lots of things didn't go our way. I love him so much and almost two months ago, we had a huge fight and he walked out, and I let him go. Only hours later did I realize that I just couldn't do it without him. I've never been one to admit that I can't do things on my own, but when he walked out my heart hit the floor. All I can say is thank God for my stubborness because if I weren't so stubborn he would be gone and there would be no chance of getting him back.
We have decided that life without each other, isn't life at all. I never thought I would need someone so much, but when he walked out the door I realized that he really was the one. We know we have a lot of work to do but we are trying. And the changes are coming. We are actually in the house buying process, it's stressful so if we can make it through this one we will be golden! We had our sites set on the most gorgeous double wide that I have ever seen, even had a piece of property picked out (although it wasn't where I wanted to live). I wanted to be with him and was willing to do it wherever we had to do it, so we found a piece of land in Jefferson County and made an offer... we thought we were on our way to being owners of a BEAUTIFUL home, then came the hidden charges. The guy didn't take our offer and wanted us to pay $2,000.00 more for the land.... then the set up and delivery fee went up $4,000.00. Everytime we talked to the guy at Clayton it seemed that a price was going up and the mortgage just didn't fit the home. We started looking for houses, houses that are in the area I want to be in and he is ready to sign offers and get a house and I can't wait. These two months without him has been so hard. I can't wait until we are together again, with the girls.... our little family. It's going to be so nice!