~2011 has been a hard year. Through those hardships though, I have found my faith. I've known all along that God is with me, I've known all along that he loves me, but our relationship has been "on the rocks".
Raised in church, and forced to go, I became and have been a child of rebellion. I've lived a life of thinking that being saved was good enough, that I could stay home from church and still be just as saved. Truth? Yes, but fulfilling? No! I've sat home so many Sundays doing nothing, being lazy or cleaning my house because I can worship in my own way. I don't need church to pray, and thank the Lord for what he does for me. The trouble with that line of thinking is that I never did any of those things.
Never took a minute to stop and say thank you Lord. Never took at minute to ASK for something that I needed, or for blessings for others. I never picked up my bible to study, or try to understand the language of the Lord. I used those lazy Sundays, the ones that I could use for "praise in my own time" for just that, MY own time. I never did what I rationalized with myself that I could do.
As I said before, I was raised in church. Revivals, Bible school, church trips, and visiting. I've always loved my church family and known that I had support there but it was so much easier to just do my own thing. I guess you don't realize how much you need the Lord when you are young and thinking about the things you WANT to do verses the things you NEED to do. I really wish I had learned this lesson earlier in life.
This year, although in past years I never thought life could be worse, probably has actually been the worst. The only exceptions are 1) I had my one year wedding anniversary this year, which some days I never thought would happen, and 2) I have really found my strength in the Lord. The situations and occurrences of this year have brought me so much closer to the Lord, and I have really found that I truly can not walk without him holding my hand, and in some instances I wouldn't make it if he weren't there to carry me through.
"The mountain's too high and the valley's too wide.
Down on my knees, I learned to stand.
And I can't even walk without You holding my hand."
From January to this very minute, my experiences have made me wonder what I was thinking. I've always been the type that says things such as, "everything happens for a reason" and "God won't put on you more than you can handle". Its so easy to say things and to have the best intentions, but its so hard to have faith in what you say. It's so easy to say I'll pray for you when things get hard for someone you love, but its much harder to actually make the time to do so. Intentions are wonderful when followed by action, but most intentions sit in the corner of our minds and don't get any further than the back of our eyes.
"God is good all the time", and that is a testament that I have a whole lot of trouble remembering. I look around daily and see all the bad in the world. The drugs, and prostitution, the murders and suicides, the child abuse and neglect, the famine, homelessness and unemployment..... the helplessness. It saddens me to a state of such depression that its hard to want to keep watching. For many years I have refused to watch the news or read much of the newspaper. The news comes on the radio and I change the channel because the depression quickly takes over. Thank goodness, all that seems to be changing.
I have had, as have the people in my life, many trials, tribulations and tragedies in the almost eight months since this year began. Lots of hurt and death, lots of scary times, but for all of those I am thankful. "God is good all the time." He is perfection, he is love, and his plans are ultimate. My latest obstacle in 2011, has been one of the most trying and ongoing. Its one that is trying my faith beyond what I'm used to, its pushing me and there are times that I want to give up, but I won't. I will never give up, because if I do I feel like I will be giving up on Calvin.
Calvin is a young man who's family I was part of for many years, his brother is Adriana's dad and I've known him since he was about 3 or 4. This past week he had a skateboarding accident and he hit his head. I don't have many details, except to know that he is in a coma. He has cords, lines, and tubes everywhere and while trying to be positive and not letting him know it was taking my breath away I went in to see him and talk to him. I have prayed, probably more in the past few days than in many years, and I have to say that I am so sorry for making it a tragedy that brings me closer to the Lord, but it has been. A year of tragedies ending with a 'Heavenly' relationship with HIM is worth it all. All the struggles.... well, he knows what he is doing. I'm far from perfect, and I fall short of his glory everyday. I am not worthy of one blessing from him, but fortunately for me he thinks I am.
above all else.
1 comment:
Hey Michelle,
I thought I would never make it to my 1st year anniversary either. It was really hard to make marriage work.
14 years later, and after the past two years where my hubby and I finally did some counseling, we have never been happier. I highly recommend a marriage counselor. Save yourself so much sadness in the long run.
I just scheduled a blog post for next week with the scripture Be Still and Know That I Am God. It's such a great message for those of us that tend to be a little high strung.
Proud of you for your newfound commitment to Christ.
Years ago, I learned that church was the place I wanted to be because I was uplifted, recharged, and always learning something new. I am sure it will be the same for you.
God is good. So good. It's amazing as I look back on my life and can realize that even the hardest trials I have had, have helped me gain a greater relationship with my Savior. Actually, especially the hardest trials I have had.
Love you girl. So happy you are blogging. Writing is so therapeutic.
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