A little Rant

Let me rant and rave for just a minute.... I haven't done it in a while, but today I need to!

I will start by saying that, I was raised by my grandparents (who were of no biological connection to me) and I was so blessed to be. My grandmother is the most amazing woman in the world, and if it weren't for her I don't know who or where I would be.

I am the child of a broken home, parents that were too young to be parents. I'm not sure if they did what they thought was best for me or if their selfishness was just a blessing in disguise! Either way, they let me grow up with an angel, someone who loved me as if I were her own and she never complained about doing it. My father chose to disappear from my life, and my mom was there but not the way a mom should be. In later years, they have both taken strides to try and make up for the short comings in my past although I haven't really responded well.

The feeling of abandonment never goes away. I understand that their were circumstances that lead my mother and father to not want to be with each other, and honestly it was better that way. I could never be angry with either one of them for not loving each other enough because life for them was not a good life, their relationship was very toxic! Although now that I am an adult and I can understand that, when I was a little girl I never could. Feeling like you don't belong, like you aren't wanted is the most horrible feeling and it doesn't matter how many others love you and cherish you, if your mommy and daddy aren't around you can't help but wonder what you did.

I guess you could call me an expert at this feeling because not only have I been through it but I have also seen it numerous time with other children in my life. Way too often, especially now days girls and boys get together get pregnant because they are "so in love" then after the baby the find that they really aren't. The result of these actions are a child in limbo. If the child is really lucky, one or maybe both of the parents will grow up and take responsibility in their own ways but that isn't the way it usually goes. Usually the child is left with one or two parents who have decided that not only being married is too much but being a parent is too much as well, and this makes me SO angry that there are no words.

I have experienced the abandonment, I have watched my brother experience this same abandonment, and I have watched and experienced with my step-daughter this same feeling and it is a horrible feeling. I have also watched many, many other children go through this and I wish I could make it stop. I wish I could take all the hurt away.

It burns me up, however when a parent PRETENDS to care about their child to get attention from others when they never cared enough to keep them in the first place. Why in the world would you let someone take your child to raise, even if that child is better off, go off live your life and basically let that child know that they are nothing but a convenience to you, and then when something bad happens you act like you have been mother or father of the year? If something happened and I had to give my child up, that child would never see me again. I wouldn't just pop in and out when it was convenient to me. I would go away for good. I wouldn't get the child riled up thinking that I was going to be there, then disappear for a couple weeks then come back and get their hopes up again.

BE A PARENT or DON'T!! But do not jerk your kid around, and certainly don't use them to your advantage. A child is not born to make YOUR life better, or to get attention for you. You make a conscious decision to create a life, and if you decide that what you want to do is carry that child to term and give birth to it and raise it, DO IT! If you decide to give it away, you can do that as well, but do not take advantage of that child and certainly do not take it for granted. No child asks to be brought into this world, so if you choose to have one raise it!

And lastly I will say, if something tragic happens to your child, FEEL IT but make sure its for real. Do what you need to do to grieve, but do not take advantage of someone else's kindness. Don't twist something that someone is trying to do for your child and make it about you. DO NOT think that I will let you get away with that. DO NOT think that I will let you take HIS name and use it for your personal gain. If you have true intentions of helping the people that loved and cared about him, that's fine. But if you are doing your usual, take take take, do it on someone elses time and with someone elses cause because I will NOT let you get away with it.

And that is all...