Well, okay for the last few months, but more so the last few days. I find myself in tears at random times, in random places. I think that Ron is a little nervous, LOL. No need to be scared though, just lots of changes taking place and seeing as how I am probably the WORST when it comes to change, it's not good for me.
This year truly has been the worst for me. I know that we are supposed to rejoice death because that means our loved ones are home with the Lord and all the ones that went before them, but I'm only human. I have tried to be so giving my whole life, at times I've even given too much but when it comes to people that I love, giving is hard. I've never been a selfish person.... I like having things, but I've never been materialistic. I know that the most important things in life are free.
The most important things in life are the moments you create, the time you spend, the words you say, and how you live life. It's nice to have houses, and cars and clothes and shoes and purses, but none of those things are going to remember you when you are gone. I honestly believe now, just as I always have that life is not about the breath you breathe from one moment to the next because we aren't always promised that next breath. Life happens when you least expect it, in a moment, in a whisper and that's what makes it worth it.
This year has brought about 3 deaths that have really affected me, and my life. I have dealt with so much death in my life (using the term 'dealt with' loosely, because truthfully... I DON'T!), you would think that by this age and stage in my life I would get it, but I don't. Even though I have dealt with so much, I've never had to deal with three in one year. February, March, and July... and I just don't get it.
We just got back from vacation, VACATION... and I should feel so rested and relaxed. I should have felt so fabulous being away from work, on the beach, listening to the ocean, but I didn't. I know everyone is yelling, "ARE YOU CRAZY??" right now and honestly, I quite possibly could be. I was in Florida for 6 days and 7 nights and you would think that I enjoyed myself and nothing could have been better, but that's not how it was. I was so on edge the whole time we were there, and really couldn't appreciate being there. I feel bad, I know I should be thankful and I am, but I just wasn't feeling it this year. I am so happy to be home.
What I'm not happy about though is, tomorrow is the first day of school. Yes, I am ready for them to go back... I'm not happy though that my BABY is going into middle school. Yes, 6th grade at Halls Middle School. As if everything else that has happened in the last eight months isn't enough, her starting middle school is pretty devastating to me. I cried the day she started kindergarten, and every year after until last year when she went to 5th grade. At this point, knowing her I knew she was mature enough to go in by herself and go where she needed to go. She had been in the school long enough to know where all the classrooms were and she knew the rules were straight to class. I felt confident she could do it without me, and somehow that comforted me. I guess most moms would feel MORE devastated to know that their baby didn't need them, but knowing that she could do it by herself made me feel good. I know I cried at some point in the year, but not the first day.
Tomorrow however is completely different. Its no longer us pulling up to Adrian Burnette Elementary, its Halls Middle and she will be in sixth grade... what will I do?? I can't stop it, I can't seem to even slow it down. Time flies by, and it breaks my heart. I love her so much, she will always be my baby but she used to actually be MY BABY.
I miss this little girl. She was cuddly and cute and she didn't talk back. Now, don't let me fool you cute and cuddly she was, but she was opinionated and stubborn even then. She wanted what she wanted, but she knew her boundries. I believe she still does, but I guess it gets more interesting as they get older to see how far they can push mom or dad until they will break. At this age, all I had to do was raise my voice a little or cut my eyes at her and she knew I meant business. Very rarely was there a time that I had to repeat something more than one time. I had people that would ask me how I got a kid like her, how did I manage to get one so good? I ask myself that even today. She has never changed who she is. She is as good today as she has always been, although maybe a tad more stubborn, and being her mom couldn't be more of a blessing. I am so grateful to have her, and even though sometimes I could poke her eyes out, I love her more than life.
This is the child I have come to know. The one that I have since (see above picture) fell in love with. She is the one who makes me laugh, the one who makes me cry, the one who makes me WANT to scream some days. She is also the one who is my strength, the one who proves to me that I can keep going, and when I feel like I can't keep going she does something to kick me into gear, and keep me on my toes. I never thought that I could be blessed enough to be the mother to a child like this. She has the biggest heart and she loves so much. She would give you the shirt off her back, or her last chicken McNugget. Her sense of humor is immense. She is witty and things roll off her tongue as if she has had them planned for years. She is sarcastic, and sometimes we have to pull on the reigns and slow her down. Sometimes though, actually most of the time its HER that will cut you down to size. She is honest to a fault, and if you don't want to hear it like it is don't ask her the question. She has no filter, but that's okay because she is mine. It has been my pleasure to be her leader, her guide for the last almost 11 years and she has taught me almost more than she has learned from me. I can't say that I knew any of the things I know now 11 years ago, and learning from her has been a bigger blessing than I could have ever known I would have. Its hard to fathom that she has been mine for 11 years, its hard to believe the Lord trusted me with such a precious jewel, yet here she is with me everyday and I will never take that for granted. I can't thank God enough for letting me borrow her, I can only pray that he lets me keep her for a long, long time. I can only pray that he thinks I am fit to keep her and to keep loving and leading her. Tomorrow I will be one year closer to letting her go. I will be accepting that she is a big girl. I am hoping that this year won't begin the long journey of me losing her, I pray that the longer she is in school the more she will need me. I pray that she never stops loving her Mommy, and never thinks that she is too big for me. I can't stop her from growing up, but I can try to keep her as close to me as possible. I want her to grow up loving me, and knowing that I will always be there for her. I want her to always know that she can tell me anything and that I will do my best to help her solve her problems, that I will be her shoulder and that she doesn't always have to be the strong one. That's what I am here for.
Tomorrow I will drop her off in front of the middle school and she will go in and I will leave and go on my merry way to work. I will probably cry a little, but I will get over it by the time I arrive at my destination. I will let her be the independent person that I have tried to make her be, even though in my heart I will want her to need me. Its hard to believe that tomorrow is the start of middle school. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new adventure, and even though my heart is breaking, I'm excited to see where it leads us.
I love you BooBoo.... You are my Sunshine!
P.S..... Sorry about this crazy rambling mess. Its forever long, and understand if no one reads it all! LOL...
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